Monday, November 5, 2012

Searching For Answers

Don't freak out. I realize what I'm about to say is slightly off the wall, especially for some of you, but it is something I feel I need to do.

This is me needing answers and using last resorts to get them...

I think I'm going to speak with a medium soon. That and I may go to a past life regressionist.

I don't speak of my "beliefs" often, if I have ever. The truth is that I don't know what I believe. I used to think I knew, then I began questioning everything after Cleve was injured. After he died it was as if everything I had been taught was foreign to me. Two and Two did not equal four and I refuse to follow anything blindly. If it doesn't make sense to me, it isn't for me. So that was that.

Now, I suppose I'm looking for some truth. I want something that makes this universe make sense to me. Even if it's just a little bit of sense. Because, as of now, I'm leaning toward us all being a freak scientific accident - that our ultimate destiny is to be dust. The thing is, I don't want to believe that. There must be more. Surely there is a rhyme. There has to be a reason for all of this.

So, I'm going to explore other options. And I'm starting here. I've talked to a couple of widows now that have talked to mediums and have gotten amazing results. The closure and the answers they received - I want that. Maybe it's all fake - fine. But I have to try. I have to try to talk to him one more time. Just once. If you tell me there is any chance that is possible, you better be damn sure I'm going to take it.

As far as the past lives, it's just something I've pondered often since he died. There had to be more to us. There has to be more later. There has to be. If this life was it, then I will be glad to be dust. I do not need a "heaven" without him and according to the bible I was taught on, he did many things that wouldn't allow him into the gates. He didn't get a chance to fix those things. And that's bullshit. Our "actions" as imperfect human beings - something that, I'm sorry but, did we ask to be born? - does not justify to me a solid place in "hell". To be told that some are just lucky enough to live long enough to repent for their "sins" while others are taken suddenly with no more chance left, is - frankly - horse shit. I'd rather believe that, if we do have souls, our souls get to grow through time. And that those we lose, we see again. That we get second chances to make up for past mistakes.

So, I'm exploring it because... why not? I have nothing to lose except maybe the respect of my Christian family but that would only solidify my feelings on all of this. So. There.

Two other widows and I are going to be flying to Salem, MA in January to see another widow friend to do the medium thing. We were all randomly feeling we needed to do this last week without even knowing the others were feeling the same. That was really what did it for me. Yea, I also pay attention to "signs" now. Synchronicity, to me, is the universe letting me know I'm on the right path. So I'm just gonna keep on truckin'.

All of my Christian friends out there, if you are appalled by this post, it will be okay. Let's just put it this way. If there is a hell and hell is what I was taught growing up then that is very well where my husband is. If he is there, I can be there, too. Though, I just don't believe it anymore.

I can't.

I shall report back on all of the shenanigans as they ensue.

9 words of wisdom:

Allie said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

It's odd because my husband and I were talking about mediums last night. I'd say go for it. I would. My husband thought otherwise. But if you think you can get answers then its worth a shot. And I don't think Cleve is in hell by any means. I know my opinion may not mean much but I feel like hell is for the inherently evil which even though I only know him through your blog I don't think Cleve was.

I hope you find what you're looking for.

Karie said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates


Oh no, he wasn't at all. He just wasn't a practicing Christian in any sense of the word. From what I learned growing up, that means you're going down. And that doesn't seem right to me. He was a great man. He had his issues, but most were caused by the war. His heart was warm and shiny and made of gold. His soul was beautiful. He deserved nothing but the best after what he went through.

So yea.

Thank you. <3

Jane Doe said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

If you feel this will bring you closure, then go for it! But word of advice would be to look up reviews so you make sure you're going to a legit medium.

While Christianity frowns upon mediums, when you think about it...look at all those that prophesized about the coming of Christ and events that would follow after his Resurrection. Are they not mediums as well? It's a touchy subject among Christianity. But I do believe we are born with unique gifts.

When traumatic events happen, we worry about our physical and mental bodies but we tend to forget the spiritual bodies as well.

Rock Chef said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I don't adhere to any set religion, but I do believe that we go to a good place when we die. I saw it in a dream - my daughter was there as were a few of my friends who died too young.

You could say it is just a dream, but I am sure it was more than that. Feel free to email me if you want to talk about this sort of stuff more.

Swindy's Stories said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I say go for it. If it is what you want to do then who cares what anybody else thinks. :) I hope you get some answers!

Emily's Going Nuts said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

A woman in my social circle works at Salem Psychic Center and also Witch's Hide in Salem, MA. Her name is Corinne Martin. I'm sure she would be more than happy to speak with you, and she might actually do readings over the phone. I'm not sure how that works, but yeah (I'm not really into that stuff...). Here's her website, if you're interested:

Best of luck!

karen said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates


I think there are more of us out there who aren't buying the whole "heaven" and "hell" thing. We just don't like to get into arguments with those who are very sure these things are real.

My take is, *shrug*, whatever. I live a life that is moral, that follows golden rules that you can find across the world, that most regular sane people follow.

I think this is a smart way to explore your thoughts and feelings and allow yourself to continue in your journey. Best wishes with it.

Choleesa said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I think you should do whatever you need to do to find peace.
Dont let people judge you. You are the only one who is walking in your shoes.

birdie said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I've been considering doing this as well! (I lost a lot of family, very young) I hope you get good results, and find closure, or some peace! I am def open minded to the idea of this gift :)

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