Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Where I came from, Where I'm going


I just finished my second year in college. A lot of changes took place since I began, one being a change of Majors. Instead of Communications, I decided I fit more comfortably in the English Department. Then I realized I needed to add Sociology -- I suppose that second Major comes from my need to understand the world and how it affects us. Most likely because I want to understand how my world affects me. How it molded me into who I am now and who it will mold me to be tomorrow. I've found English and Sociology complement me and each other beautifully. I'm happy here.

Happiness is another thing I've found. The ability to be content. Both with myself and with the things around me. I realized that happiness begins as a choice, then when it's least expected, it just is. The happiness begins breeding more happiness. It takes on a mind of it's own and, suddenly, life is just good. Life is good.

I've come to terms with life -- and death. The inevitability of the end. The ability to accept the end, not fear it, all while having the will to live and live big. The knowing that I'll see the ones I lose again one day. The fact that they never actually left in the first place. Cleve is still here. He's everywhere. I just have to be open to it. In fact, I feel this wasn't my first life with Cleve. It's not my first life with anyone I've known and loved. I knew them before, I'll know them again. He was done here. When I'm done here, we'll meet again.

Spirituality. I've realized I am spiritual, only not in the same way I was before. Before he died, before he was injured, before I began making questionable decisions as an adolescent. As negative things began to pile up in my life, I began wondering if there was a place for me in the spiritual world. If God, whoever she or he was, even wanted me anymore. If God had forgotten I was here. Thrown me away. But I've realized, finally, that nothing can be learned in a perfect life. That, perhaps, the things we experience, the things that bring pain and suffering, that force us to learn and push ourselves beyond what we imagined ourselves capable, are really the most important things offered to us. Maybe those are the exact things that help us to grow spiritually, that offer true happiness if only we can survive through it. I was never forgotten. I was being focused on. Taught. When I finally realized that, I found peace. I have so much more to learn. I continue struggling with my flaws -- impatience, vanity, for my own sake I'll stop there -- but I feel I'm more open to my flaws and therefore am more capable of working on them in a healthy way instead of dwelling on them and letting them make me feel invalid. I believe that is the spirituality I've found. The unique and precious being inside of me, and the knowing that I must continue to grow and learn and be better and hopefully, one day, be able to help others do the same.

 I've moved away from the beach. I'm living in downtown Mobile now and am loving the city life. I do, however, need the outdoors to keep me balanced. I've become a bit obsessed with camping and the idea of hiking -- something I did with my father growing up. I've finally collected the appropriate gear to survive in the wilderness and am planning my first hiking trips. First the Appalachian trail, somewhere in Tennessee, then Denali State Park, then the John Muir Trail. I'm sure there will be many small trips in between, but those are the big ones for now. As for the city, I've moved into a building that was built in the 1800's and converted into studios. As much as I love the woods, I also love the ability to open my old windows and watch people in their concrete habitat crossing streets, chatting in front of cafes, waiting for traffic lights to turn. I've learned to love being around people as much as I love seclusion. I need both.

Tonight some friends from school, a widow I met after Cleve passed, Cleve's best friend from the Marine Corps, and my boyfriend (still Nick) will be gathering to bring in the New Year. The past and present will be in one place to celebrate the future. How cool is that?

 Happy New Year!

1 words of wisdom:

Churn Dash said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Thanks for the news at the end of the year. I've popped in from time to time to see if you had posted something new.
It's interesting to hear that other people love the city and the countryside too. When visiting a big city I don't think I ever want to leave, but then I feel the same about the countryside. I loved living near Geneva close to the mountains, I love living in eastern Virginia near the ocean.
Have a great evening with your friends - it's good to hear Nick is still around.
Happy New Year
Helen

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